Mar 09 2010
Body Image and Weight.
I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while. Today I got a virtual kick in the pants when some friends from HighSchool posted a bunch of pictures of me on Facebook, and I decided to sit down and try to write whats been on my mind.
Throughout my middle and high school years, I remember thinking i was “so fat” and was always trying to diet or lose weight. I always wanted to be more like the skinny girls, and was very sensitive to anyone mentioning my weight or how I looked. I remember hiding in the bathroom stalls when we had to “dress out” for PE class. Back then we were required to put on the awful school colored shorts and tees.
My Mother and two of my older brothers that lived with us then would always comment on how “fat” I was, they’d poke my stomach and pinch my thighs. I remember being so embarrassed that they would say/do things like that in front of my friends, and I always hated it. For a while I stopped having anyone come over, because I was so embarrassed and knew I’d get picked on.
On my 12th birthday party I had a group of girlfriends spending the night. My mother brought out her gifts for me… One of them was a pair of bright red pleated jeans about 3 sizes too small. I knew as soon as I opened the box that they wouldn’t fit. But she insisted that I try them on “just in case” in front of everyone who was there. And by “insisted” I mean she screamed at me that I was ungrateful and WOULD put those pants on whether i liked it or not. So, I did. And they wouldn’t come up past my thighs. And I remember her laughing and pointing at me and telling me how it wasn’t her fault the pants didn’t fit, and maybe I should just keep them as motivation to lose weight. All of this in front of my friends. I don’t remember their reactions or any comments, I just remember how I felt that evening. From that day on, I’ve hated birthdays. And anyone making a big deal out of my birthday. I hated feeling like that. I still hate my birthday and getting gifts. I never know how to act or react to a gift. Its hard for me to show appreciation for things now. Even when I really DO like and appreciate the gift or gesture. (That wasn’t the 1st or only b-day that my mom somehow ruined, but its one that stands out the most)
Fast forward a few years and I’m in high school. Still feeling like the fattest girl every where I went. I never ate breakfast, rarely ate lunch at school, or if I did it was a diet coke and candy bar, and didn’t eat much for dinner. I’m pretty sure I was borderline anorexic at the time. I always wore very baggy clothes and hid behind huge glasses and big hair. It was the early 90s after all. And I really hated for anyone to take my picture.
When I got pregnant with Olivia, I weighed 115 pounds. At the time I felt so “fat” and tried so hard not to gain weight. Of course being pregnant that doesn’t work so well and I got scolded by my midwife many times for not having gained weight, by the end of the pregnancy I was 62 pounds heavier. I had a really hard time losing that weight. Everyone told me that breastfeeding would make the weight just fall off. It didn’t. And 18 months later when I was pregnant with Jamie, I hadn’t lost much weight at all from Olivias pregnancy. Again I gained about 60 pounds. I switched care providers mid pregnancy and the first time the OB saw me he said “you’re too fat, no more donuts” even though I was probably at a healthy weight for my height. (and never ate donuts… for the record, LOL)
And again nursing didn’t do anything for my weight loss. Or my body image. I worked very hard for a long time to lose weight. I joined the local Y, and attended classes 5 days a week. It didn’t really do much. I toned up but was still, in my eyes, very fat.
And then my marriage started to take a downward spiral. He would often bring up my weight, as a weapon. And it stung. He’d tell me how his first wife was so much better because she was stick thin and pretty, and I was just fat and ugly. By the time I finally had the guts to leave him, I’d gained alot more weight. I didn’t care then.
Continue Reading »











