~Dawn~

I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while. Today I got a virtual kick in the pants when some friends from HighSchool posted a bunch of pictures of me on Facebook, and I decided to sit down and try to write whats been on my mind.

Throughout my middle and high school years, I remember thinking i was “so fat” and was always trying to diet or lose weight. I always wanted to be more like the skinny girls, and was very sensitive to anyone mentioning my weight or how I looked. I remember hiding in the bathroom stalls when we had to “dress out” for PE class. Back then we were required to put on the awful school colored shorts and tees.

My Mother and two of my older brothers that lived with us then would always comment on how “fat” I was, they’d poke my stomach and pinch my thighs. I remember being so embarrassed that they would say/do things like that in front of my friends, and I always hated it. For a while I stopped having anyone come over, because I was so embarrassed and knew I’d get picked on.

On my 12th birthday party I had a group of girlfriends spending the night. My mother brought out her gifts for me… One of them was a pair of bright red pleated jeans about 3 sizes too small. I knew as soon as I opened the box that they wouldn’t fit. But she insisted that I try them on “just in case” in front of everyone who was there. And by “insisted” I mean she screamed at me that I was ungrateful and WOULD put those pants on whether i liked it or not. So, I did. And they wouldn’t come up past my thighs. And I remember her laughing and pointing at me and telling me how it wasn’t her fault the pants didn’t fit, and maybe I should just keep them as motivation to lose weight. All of this in front of my friends. I don’t remember their reactions or any comments, I just remember how I felt that evening. From that day on, I’ve hated birthdays. And anyone making a big deal out of my birthday. I hated feeling like that. I still hate my birthday and getting gifts. I never know how to act or react to a gift. Its hard for me to show appreciation for things now. Even when I really DO like and appreciate the gift or gesture. (That wasn’t the 1st or only b-day that my mom somehow ruined, but its one that stands out the most)

Fast forward a few years and I’m in high school. Still feeling like the fattest girl every where I went. I never ate breakfast, rarely ate lunch at school, or if I did it was a diet coke and candy bar, and didn’t eat much for dinner. I’m pretty sure I was borderline anorexic at the time. I always wore very baggy clothes and hid behind huge glasses and big hair. It was the early 90s after all. And I really hated for anyone to take my picture.

When I got pregnant with Olivia, I weighed 115 pounds. At the time I felt so “fat” and tried so hard not to gain weight. Of course being pregnant that doesn’t work so well and I got scolded by my midwife many times for not having gained weight, by the end of the pregnancy I was 62 pounds heavier. I had a really hard time losing that weight. Everyone told me that breastfeeding would make the weight just fall off. It didn’t. And 18 months later when I was pregnant with Jamie, I hadn’t lost much weight at all from Olivias pregnancy. Again I gained about 60 pounds. I switched care providers mid pregnancy and the first time the OB saw me he said “you’re too fat, no more donuts” even though I was probably at a healthy weight for my height. (and never ate donuts… for the record, LOL)

And again nursing didn’t do anything for my weight loss. Or my body image. I worked very hard for a long time to lose weight. I joined the local Y, and attended classes 5 days a week. It didn’t really do much. I toned up but was still, in my eyes, very fat.

And then my marriage started to take a downward spiral. He would often bring up my weight, as a weapon. And it stung. He’d tell me how his first wife was so much better because she was stick thin and pretty, and I was just fat and ugly. By the time I finally had the guts to leave him, I’d gained alot more weight. I didn’t care then.
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So, I have an Iphone. Its been almost a year since I got this thing and I didn’t know just how much I rely on it, until I lost it today! ( And for the record, if my husband didn’t work for AT&T neither of us would have one…)

So today we went shopping for a birthday gift. Just as we were leaving Target Elliana said she needed to potty. So while Daniel hung out with Dash, I took her into the rest room. I had my phone in my back pocket, but I always take it out and toss it into my purse before going to the rest room (because when I pull down my jeans it usually falls onto the floor, gross) since I didn’t have my purse with me I placed it on the TP shelf and did my thing. We left Target and were heading home, I reach into my pocket and my phone isn’t there. I start looking around my seat and in my purse and on the floor and Daniel asks what I’m doing. Told him I’m looking for my phone, which he then calls with his. Which is our usual way of finding a lost phone. So, he calls and it goes directly to voice mail. He calls again, and it goes directly to VM. He says to me “you didn’t turn the ringer off did you?” and I’m like “no…” and then “Oh my gawd, I LEFT it at Target!!!” Daniel does an immediate U-Turn in the road and we rush back to Boulder.

Meanwhile I grab his phone and call Target, and get the snottiest woman in the known universe on the phone, I tell her i was just in the store, I think I left my Iphone in the rest room, and has anyone turned it in. She puts me on hold, and comes back like 15 sec later and says “nope” and then I asked if she could please send someone to check the womens restroom (which is RIGHT NEXT to the customer service desk) and she says “no, not right now. I can do it later, I have a customer in line” ok fine. I get that she has a customer in line, but hello? She can’t ring up one of the 200 bored associates in the store to go check? She then tells me “can you call back later?” and I’m like “um, wow you suck.” and hung up. Daniel calls right back and asks to speak to a Manager. He then tells them about the crappy service we got, and he’d REALLY appreciate it he could send someone to just do a quick check of the restroom. So the dude does, and of course its not in there. Now I’m on the verge of tears and really upset. We can’t really afford to buy me a new phone, and I have so much stored in my phone that I’d be so sad to lose.

SO by now we are back at the Target, and he drops me off at the door and I run in and check the rest room, no phone. So then I go to the desk and ask them to please check their lost and found again. They check, no phone. I hear on the walkie talkies that the Manager is asking if anyone has turned in an iphone and I’m thinking, well at least SOMEONE is helping me. So he takes down my name and Daniels number and says he’ll call me if it shows up. So I leave the store.

I get to the parking lot and Daniel is standing outside just calling my phone over and over again. Figuring if someone has it, they MIGHT answer and maybe be HONEST or something, right? Nothing.

So, we decide to go to the ATT store thats nearby and turn off my phone and deactivate it. And report it missing/stolen. I’m practically crying now. Its just a stupid phone, but we honestly can’t afford to replace it, and it has about 200 of my knitting patterns saved on it, some of which I paid for and can’t replace. So we get to the ATT store and we are getting out and Elliana is very confused asking why we weren’t going to the party yet and I said “cause Mommy lost her phone and she needs to tell the nice people at the store about it, before somebody calls China or something” and Ellie says “hey mommy… Isn’t THAT your phone on the floor right there?” as she’s pointing under my seat.

Why yes. Yes it is my phone. And I’m a big giant stupid dork who needs help keeping track of her phone. And there is probably an APP for that. *sigh*

(and i don’t know why it never rang. The ringer was on, and when I checked, it only showed 2 missed calls when Daniel must have called my phone a dozen times.)

Sorry! I’m just not feeling the blog love right now. Its hard to find time to sit down at my computer and do anything other than a quick email check and then I’ve got other more pressing things to work on. Like unpacking, cleaning, painting, cleaning, unpacking, organizing, de-cluttering and so on. It just never ends!

I’m also trying to take more time for myself. I stopped jogging around the time we put our house on the market, and then Daniels work schedule changed and I was unable to keep going to body pump (I could use the in center daycare but the idea of leaving my baby in there skeeves me out) and I’m not comfortable leaving the bigger kids to watch the lil ones for more than a few minutes. Not that I don’t think they will be fine, I just don’t want babysitting the lil ones to become a “chore” to dread. I keep it for emergency type situations, like recently I was called to a birth and Daniel wasn’t due home for another half an hour, I ended up leaving them then, and everything was fine, of course, but I don’t like it.

So, time for myself? Oh yeah. I’m spending more time knitting. Have two things on the needles right now. The sweater for Elliana, and a birthday gift for a cousin. And I’ll be starting my couch to 5k program over again. The weather is turning so much nicer (though I know, its Colorado and we can still see a blizzard in March) and since Daniel doesn’t leave for work until 9am, I have time in the mornings to run again. Might as well check out the nice trails this subdivision claims to have. Its been almost a year since I started the c25k the first time. I was so sure I’d be running races by now and enjoying a healthier lifestyle and look. Unfortunately life has a way of happening and here I am. Just as heavy and unhappy as I was last year. So, I’m starting over and making “me time” and “exercise” a priority. Usually I work so hard on keeping everyone else around me happy that I forget to take care of myself.

The new house is great, we are adjusting quite well to living here. Dashel really enjoys the floor plan, he can run in a big circle on all 3 levels. This of course leads to many bumps and bruises when he falls down. Today he stumbled as he was coming inside and scraped his fingers on the cement patio. Lots of blood and screaming and kisses and nursing and a couple band aids later and all is fine. Hes a tough lil dude.

We are slowly working on adding to the furniture we are missing. We got a new living room set last week. Our old couch is very uncomfortable for sitting on very long and we’ve never had “new” furniture since we have been together, so it was kinda neat to go and buy the new set. For the other things we need, I take a weekly trip to the local thrift stores to see if they have what I’m looking for. If not, I just try again another day. I’m not in a huge hurry to fill up my house with “stuff” but a few things would be nice. Like, I’d love one of those nifty standing coat racks for beside my front door. People come into the house and throw their coats and hats onto the floor. Its annoying. We do have a coat closet but its in the laundry room and a bit of a pain to get to for visitors. And a hanging pot rack for above the sink. The old owner had one there and she took it with her of course, but left these for giant hooks in the ceiling. I need to get something there, its just too weird to have nothing, heh. I’d also love a bench of some sort for the end of my bed. I find myself sitting on the end of the bed to get dressed every morning and I always think “gee, a bench or chest or something here would be lovely”

Also we still need to paint. I really wanted to do it this weekend since the weather is looking like it will be nice, but we have two birthday parties to attend, one on Sat and one on Sun. Busy busy. This house still kind of feels like its hers. The old owner. I can honestly say I hate the paint in just about every single room. Its just awful, and nothing I would ever pick, so its hard to say I “love” my house just yet. I mean, my bedroom is BRIGHT yellow and maroon. Really?? Not exactly relaxing colors!

I started writing this post yesterday, and here it is 24 hours later and I wasn’t able to hit submit. Stopping here because if I don’t it might never get posted, LOL!

I have a big update about our big move, but I’m saving that for after I get the house painted, because the previous owners paint choices leave MUCH to be desired and I’m not sure I want to share these colors with the world, LOL!

To hold you over, here are a few pictures I took the other day-

So here we sit. In our rental apartment/duplex. Two weeks in with one week to go. I cannot say its terrible but it isn’t home. Overall this is a lovely little place, if you don’t have 4 kids! Its 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, and we are a family of 6!

There are wonderful mountain views out the living room windows, and tons of natural light. The home is situated next to a small local airport and most of the homes around here have small planes. Every couple of hours a plane takes off right outside the window, its kinda neat but also terrifying for Dashel. He runs to the nearest set of arms screaming “UH-OH” and crying. Uh Oh is Dashels word for ANYTHING that isn’t right in his lil world. If someone takes something away he screams UH OH. If he loses what he’s looking for, or drops something, or doesn’t want to be in the car he screams UH OH. Its so sad and yet cute at the same time.

The airplanes scare him, so I’ve been trying to listen for one starting up, so that we can go to the window and see it, and I show him the sign for “airplane” and try to act excited and happy that there is one there. So far it seems to be working, but he still screams uh oh if one takes off or flies over the house that we aren’t expecting.

Other than the random planes, its very quiet here. Almost too quiet. If the tv is off and Dashel is napping and I’m sitting here alone knitting, all I can hear is the tic tic tic of the clock. Drives me a lil crazy, LOL! I’ve never been one to need background noise, I’m usually quite happy with not having the tv or radio on during the day when I’m home, but here it just seems TOO quiet. Of course on days that Elliana isn’t at school that is not an issue.

Last year we looked at a house in this same neighborhood and wanted to buy it. I’m glad now that we didn’t. Not that I think this area is bad, I actually think its nice enough, but it feels very secluded and “out there”. I used to think thats what I wanted, but being here for the past 2 weeks I’m finding that I am lonely and sad most of the time. Maybe its because Daniel moved back to the day shift, who knows. But I kinda miss being in Old Town. I’m looking forward to being in our new neighborhood and meeting new people. Even if I am shy and don’t make friends easily I have a pretty cute baby, that has to give me something in common with someone there, HAH!

Elliana seems to be taking the move the hardest. I think that losing your dog and moving out of the only home you have ever known all in the same week has to be very hard for a 5yr old to understand. We are getting more fits and outbursts over things that at the time seem so trivial to me, and yet are very big deals to her. I’m trying to be more understanding and patient. She randomly screams at me that she wishes we still had Jackie, or that she wishes we still had our old house.

The bigger kids seem to be handling things just fine, they understand that this is a temporary thing and that the end result will be worth it. It will be nice to finally have space to stretch out and not feel like we are all squished on top of each other all the time. And I’m already thinking about and planning my garden!

As for the title of this post. I have come to realize that renting is not for me. I don’t like knowing that the home I’m in doesn’t really belong to us, and that I have to be so extra careful that we don’t damage or break anything. Not that we run around like crazy people destroying things of course, but it just doesn’t feel like “home” no matter what we do. I tried to unpack as much as I could, with out going overboard, to make it feel more like home, surrounding ourselves with our own belongings. But it still feels off. And I have these weird feelings like someone is always watching me! Which doesn’t really make any sense because each of these houses are on 2+ acres and you can’t really see into the neighbors houses, nor is there anyone really watching us. Just me being dumb I guess.

The owners are ok. Friendly and respectful. The wife leaves every morning before I get up and doesn’t come home until after dinner. I just see her passing by the front door every once in a while. The husband works from home, so he is here all day, but I don’t really see him much. We have been staying indoors and trying to stay out of his way and the patients he sees, as to not be a pain in the butt.

I’ve been knitting again finally. Have almost finished a replacement fish hat for my father in law, it just needs some eyes. Have started and finished some booties for a dear friend who is due any moment now, working on a hat for her too. And have started a cardigan for Elliana. I let her pick some yarn and she chose some lovely self striping soft yarn that is knitting up so pretty. Hopefully the sweater will fit, I don’t usually try to adjust patterns but this one only goes to a size 4 and I’m trying to upsize to a 6. Hopefully it will work

I have some new pictures to upload, but cannot locate my camera charger right now, ugh!

When Daniel and I first got together, one of the first things we did was adopt a retired greyhound. Jackie has been with us almost as long as we’ve been together. Recently I noticed that she wasn’t eating as much as usual, but she was peeing more than usual. She was also limping alot and starting to fall down and was unable to catch her balance when standing. We took her to the vet just before Christmas and she told us Jackie was deaf and had progressive kidney disease and advanced arthritis in her back hips. She recommended that we say goodbye to our sweet friend. I was heartbroken and unable to do so in the vets clinic. Poor Jackie was so stressed out being there that I just did not want her final memories to be bad. So I asked our vet about home options. She gave me the name of someone who would come to our house and put Jackie to sleep here. It took me a few days to work up the courage to call them, and then I just couldn’t go through with it. It was just a few days before Christmas and I just didn’t want my kids to have a bad experience just before the holiday. So we decided to wait until after, as long as Jackie was doing ok. She made it through Christmas and then New Years. The other day I realized that she was getting worse. She had trouble standing up from her bed, was falling down a lot more, and even growled at me for the first time in her life. I knew it was time. I made the call to “Home to Heaven” and talked to them about coming to the house to help Jackie. We made the appt for this past Saturday. This is what I wrote to my message board friends on Saturday-

Jackie went peacefully around 1pm today in her own bed surrounded with love.

If we are ever faced with another animal being sick and needing to “go” I will do it at home again for sure. The vet was so sweet and loving, and she also had tears in her eyes when Jackie died. She was so respectful of us and Jackie during the whole process and I could tell this was not just another day on the job for her.

It was a hard decision, but one I think was right and at the right time. I kept holding on, thinking Jackie would move with us. But it was clear she would not survive the move We are all very sad around here, and its not getting easier. Today we were outside and Ellie started crying when she saw Jackies footprints all over the muddy yard. This afternoon I finally had her bed and food/water bowls put away. I never realized how much a dog would mean to me, most of the time I was annoyed with her stinky farts, haha. But she will always be in our hearts as the sweetest dog we’ve ever had.

Elliana asked if we could get “a new greyhound, with white and brown and we can call her Jackie too” I told her that I didn’t know what we would do, or if we will get another dog. Right now I can’t even think about it. We just need to get through the next 4 weeks of moving and renting hell and then I can have some time to think about it.

I haven’t been around much because we have been crazy busy. I hardly have time to myself anymore! Knitting has fallen to the sidelines (and i have a lot of baby gifts to finish too!) All because of this house. But the good news is we are almost finished.

We have been working our butts off for the past 6 months in order to get things ready. We live in a very old house and with an old house come old problems. Some of the things we’ve done I have been wanting to get done since we moved in. Like painting the exterior, the interior etc. Its funny how a wife can nag and nag to get things done and the husband will put it off, a realtor walks into your house and says “fix this, do that” and suddenly those things become a priority! I joke with our Realtor and tell her she should market herself to wives as a professional nag

Putting our house on the market was a huge stressful decision. But its something we needed to do. Our family has grown and this house sure hasn’t grown with us, 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom just isn’t enough when you have 6 people, two of them now teenagers. And with teenagers comes the extra time to get ready in the mornings, the extra primping (from both the girl and the boy, haha) and extra long lines waiting to go potty! And lets not forget about the fact that I have two children who don’t have a room to call their own. To say we are cramped in this house would be an understatement.

When we first decided to put our house on the market we asked a few people what they thought we’d need to get done around here before we could expect a sale. I was dismayed to hear from one of them that we’d never sell this house unless we gutted rooms and replaced windows, put up new doors, and did so much stuff to the house that it seemed impossible. We decided to take the advice of our Realtor and only do the things that were most important first and work on the smaller things as we were able. We started with decluttering. We rented a large storage shed and started packing up stuff. Tons and tons of stuff. I was shocked at the amount of clutter and belongings we had in this house! That part seemed like the biggest and most time consuming at the time. Its hard to get packing done when you have 4 kids who demand your attention and two of them who don’t really understand the why’s about what we are doing. The bigger two had a couple fits about packing. “When will I get my XYZ that I haven’t even touched in 2 yrs but suddenly is very important to me… back??” But we made it through that part ok. Most of our belongings are in storage. Then we started with the cleaning and painting. I am embarrassed to admit that washing walls isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities in life. Sure I spot clean things when I see that a child has smeared peanut butter on something, but I don’t scrub the walls on a regular basis. So, once the deep scrubbing was done we started to paint. I picked nice and neutral colors that were not obnoxious and we got started. Inside and out, everything got a fresh coat of paint. The exterior of the house was in desperate need of a few coats of paint. We had peeling paint and wood showing everywhere. I guess 10 yrs of neglect finally caught up with us, haha.

Once the cleaning and painting was done, we had a few little things to take care of. We had replaced the kitchen counters and sink, but one of the counters had to be special ordered. That was a nightmare. They got our order wrong 3 times, took several weeks each time to fix and finally the last time they got it wrong we refused to let them send it back and demanded that the counter be fixed at our house. They eventually got it right. Well almost. The color is “just a bit off” but at this point we’ll take it.

Note to self- don’t ever “special order” counters again from the place that rhymes with Dome Hepot.

Once we felt like everything was ready we started accepting showings. Then we waited. And waited. Almost 2 weeks I think before we got that first phone call. And during those two weeks I drove myself and everyone in the house crazy with my constant bitching about keeping things clean because “someone could call any minute now!” We had our first showing and the very next day got an offer. We were excited. But then disappointment set in when we realized the offer was quite low and not enough for us to consider selling and moving. So we counter offered at something we felt was reasonable. In between what they offered and what we wanted. Basically met them in the middle. They decided to walk away and that was that. Oh well. Better luck next time. Two months later its almost Christmas and everyone I know kept telling us to take our house off the market for the holidays. “Wait until the new year” they said. But we decided not to bother. I’ve been keeping the house in mostly show condition all this time, whats the problem with keeping it that way over Christmas and New Years? The problem was all of my kids were home from school, each and every bloody day. Oy! THAT was insane. We spent a lot of time running around and staying out of the house.

The morning before Christmas Eve we got a phone call that someone wanted to come see our house the day after Christmas. I was shocked and a lil bit annoyed, because WHO goes to see a house the day after Christmas? Well my friends, the answer the that question is serious buyers. Thats who. We worked very hard to clean and tidy the house and get rid of all signs that we’d had a celebration and the day after Christmas we went off while the house was being shown. I had baked cookies for our showing and was happy to see that when we got home after the specified time that they were gone

The next day they called again and wanted to come back. So once again we baked cookies, cleaned and dusted and left the house for the showing. That was an interesting day. There was the whole mother in law being dropped off by the cops part that really made our day… (hehe!) and then there was the sitting outside the house waiting while these people who scheduled a 1hr showing stayed for over 2. Ugh. The day after THAT we got an offer. It wasn’t awful, slightly better than the first offer we got but we still decided to counter with a bit more money. And they accepted. That began the whirlwind of paperwork and things that have to be done for selling a house. Something I’ve never done before but have learned a ton about since we started this adventure 6 mo ago.

We made it through the inspection, with only 3 minor things they requested we fix. One was a credit for a new water heater (fine! done!) the next was replace some outlets in the kitchen and bathroom (ok with us, done) and the third was have the furnace cleaned and inspected and certified to be working. That was done yesterday. Then the appraisal had to happen. Thats when I got nervous. I’ve seen some of the houses in our neighborhood go for dirt cheap, and I was worried that the “comps” were not going to be enough and we’d have to lower our house price. Well, I worried for nothing because the appraisal came in at exactly what we were asking and now all we have to do is wait for closing. That is on the 22nd. WIth a move out date of the 24th which also happens to be my birthday. So Happy Birthday to Dawn, now we have no house. haha.

In all of this, we have had to find a new house. And that story is for a later time, because I’ve got a baby who is demanding his mama.

Took a break from big knitting projects to whip up a couple of tiny ones!

First up is a wee lil snowman.

This lil guy is knit with sport weight yarn and size 1 needles. He took about 30 min or so to knit. I think the pattern is super cute and I’ll probably make more of these at some point.

Next are my favorites. Lil gnomes! I’ve been collecting wine corks for about a year, just so I can make a ton of these lil guys because I think they are so stinkin’ cute!

I’ve made about 10 of them so far since last night, but not all are pictured because Dashel and Elliana keep running off with them to play!

Also, this morning I made a gift for Ellianas teacher. I’ll be heading out for her Christmas party soon and will bring this for Ellie to get to Mrs B.

I made two organic cotton washcloths, 2 lil gnomes and some handmade soap.

Recently I had been attending Wednesday night out knitting with my girlfriends at an adorable lil cafe in Louisville. Every week I’d meet them there for a couple hours of kid free knitting, chatting and trying out new teas! I don’t “do” coffee. Unless its iced, blended and topped with whipped cream, but I’m a BIG tea drinker. SO I was very pleased to see all the tea choices! Over 50 different kinds. Each week I’d pick a new one to try and enjoy The last night I went (DH went back to night shift so I can’t go anymore, boo!) I decided to try a Chai that I’d been seeing in our local health food store. I loooooove me a good chai, so I ordered this one because it looked “interesting”. I have to say that was the best chai I have ever tasted, and believe me, I’ve tried just about everything our local stores have to offer! haha.

Bhakti Chai is a local company, started by a woman and only available for “in person” purchase locally here in Colorado.(Though you can purchase it through their online store now) Its sweet and spicy and oh so good. The first night I had it, I went home and couldn’t stop thinking about my cup of tea, I really wanted another one! So the other day on a whim I purchased a quart jar of concentrate to take home and enjoy. I didn’t expect that my husband would enjoy it as much as I do! And sadly this evening I am sipping my last cup while blogging this.

Payday isn’t until Thursday, so I won’t be going back to the grocery store until then, but I’m really looking forward to buying more of this. I think I’ll have to get two or three jars this time

If you enjoy a good cup of chai like I do, then I urge you to give Bhakti Chai a chance! (And no, I didn’t get paid for saying that! haha!)